sounds fake but okay

I have been having a bad time mentally lately and it hit a pretty bad place about two-ish weeks ago. I was angry about a lot of things that are out of my control and it was manifesting in frustration which in turn made me cut myself off from the outside world because my temper was not something I trusted myself to control. I have a family history of anger management issues so I am very much aware of how my anger manifest itself and I do my level best to not take out my feelings on other people. In fact one of my earliest therapy related things is going to family therapy because my brother was doing anger management back when he was in high school.

For the most part my answers don't really change. However two weeks ago I imo radically changed my ranking. Specifically the "Little interest or pleasure in doing things" which to be fair I always misread as "Little interest or pleasure in doing things you enjoy" which isn't the question at hand but that's a different conversation all together. One of the things I was angry about is that in my bedroom my bookcase was falling over so I had to take everything off of it in fear that it was fall and either hurt me or more importantly hurt Jack. Which led to a bunch of my stuff stacked in a pile on my bedroom floor. And I was angry because a lot of the things on the shelf where VERY dusty as in I hadn't touched or used them in an unknown amount of time. And while I was stewing in my frustration about having to find a new place to store this stuff I got to thinking, "Outside of reading fanfiction on AO3 and occasionally playing a stream TTRPG when was the last time I did something I enjoyed?". Yes I went to Vans Warped Tour and Dragon Con, yes I'm going to PAX Unplugged later this year but like at home on a daily basis what am I doing? Reading fanfiction and semi regularly journaling and that's pretty much it. I listen to way less music at home than I use to because for a while it was overstimulating and I needed silence and then I just got use to the silence. I haven't watched TV on any sort of regularity in YEARS other than binge watching Game Changer on Dropout and Castlevania on Netflix I can't remember the last TV I regularly watched. I can't recall the last movie I watched. Yes I've read a few books this year but I use to read like upwards of 50 books in a year and now I'm barely making it through 5 books in a year. I stopped playing FFXIV due to a terrible friend breakup and financial reason.

It's been it's been like this for several years, at least seven fucking years if not longer! So in the last week with AO3 being down for who knows how long I have made a conscious effort to when I wake up and sit at my desk to do the easiest thing to remedy which is picking an artist and just listening to music. And holy shit. If I get tired of one artist instead of going back to silence I change to someone else. Mind you it's only been four days of this but like I'm so pissed at past me.

I think I subconsciously have been using fanfiction/ao3 as a much larger crutch than I thought. I was very aware I use fanfiction to bolster my mood or when I'm bored but I hadn't realized how much other stuff I had simply replaced with reading fanfiction. I use to make a new playlist almost every fucking day (when I left Spotify I had 436 individual playlist that I had made that dated back to when I first got Spotify in 2014). While I probably won't go back to making a new playlist every day like I use to I am going to idk think real hard about things I stopped doing for one reason or another that I know I enjoyed and try to start them up again. Which in the immedite future means watching silly low stakes TV shows again (like 9-1-1 and Abbott Elementary), printing out/or finding the print out of the various solo roll & write games I own, and reading more books just for shits and giggles.

Wish me fucking luck. And I'll try to post an update at the end of the month about how its going.